by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, PsyD, MA, MEd, in San Francisco, CA
When many individuals consider intercourse, they consider penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse. They may consider orgasms and ejaculation. However, as a sexologist, I take a broader view of intercourse. There are no less than 5 circles of sexuality, and I embrace foreplay in addition to aftercare within the sexual expertise. Foreplay and aftercare are simply as vital, even integral, for intercourse as orgasm and/or ejaculation.
A Broader Understanding of Sex
In U.S. tradition (and lots of others), we’re inspired to think about intercourse as having an endgame. There’s one thing to attain, accomplish, attain. Many folks enter right into a sexual expertise considering it “has” to finish in orgasm or ejaculation, however that’s not true. Foreplay — glancing, gazing, touching, speaking, and even fantasy exploration — is part of intercourse.
So too is aftercare. The phrase “aftercare” originates within the bondage and self-discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism (BDSM) group whereby the Dom/Domme checks in with the Sub and vice versa to course of, debrief, combine, and regroup following a BDSM scene.
Aftercare
Aftercare following “vanilla” or “traditional” intercourse can be nice as an everyday apply! However, aftercare all through a sexual expertise can be even higher. The aftercare course of between two, or extra, people enable for potential therapeutic via vulnerable connection whereby the folks concerned categorical their emotions and share previous experiences. Let’s get our therapeutic on via sexual expression by incorporating aftercare!
Foreplay
Let’s additionally cease interested by intercourse because the “main event.” The thought of foreplay is a heterosexually centered idea, and it could possibly restrict and prohibit the sexual expertise even for heterosexual companions.
“Foreplay” Can Be a Problematic Idea
As I’ve written about earlier than, I’ve an issue with the idea and phrase “foreplay.” To begin with, the phrase itself designates a earlier than. Etymologically talking, foreplay comes from the foundation phrase “fore,” that means earlier than, forward, or in entrance of; plus “play,” that means an exercise for enjoyment and recreation. However, the phrase “foreplay” assumes the enjoyable has not already begun! If seems to be and vitality are being exchanged and consensual touching is leading to pleasure, doesn’t that imply the enjoyable has already began? This view of intercourse is so limiting!
Sex Isn’t Linear
Calling, texting, holding fingers, speaking over tea or a glass of wine, caressing, admiring, stroking, massaging, tickling, kissing lips and necks and arms and bellies and inside thighs are all types of play (fore and past). Sex just isn’t linear – it doesn’t begin with kissing, progress to foreplay, and culminate in heterosexual intercourse. Sex may go from speaking to kissing to speaking to hand-holding to caressing to massaging to intercourse (if relevant and desired) to massaging to stroking, and so forth.
The different factor about foreplay is it’s heteronormative, as a result of if foreplay is the lead-up to intercourse, which means digital, oral, and anal intercourse should not intercourse. (Hi, Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sex with that woman.”) Well, no. All of it’s intercourse. It all counts, which the queer group has recognized and has been educating us for ages. PIV intercourse just isn’t the one form of intercourse. It’s not superior intercourse, both. None is best or worse than one other. Plus, there’s the matter of individuals with disabilities who might not have the capability for anatomical penetration, in addition to those that choose outercourse. Employing the idea of foreplay means these folx won’t ever have intercourse, which once more, is simply plain improper.
Sexual Activity Is Not Just About Orgasms
Lastly, the best way foreplay is commonly introduced in heterosexual relationships is it’s the “work” beforehand to activate a lady to get to the “fun stuff” or “real sex:” penetration, orgasming and/or ejaculating. There’s nothing improper with orgasms and ejaculations, however specializing in them a lot leaves pleasure out of the equation. I do know which will sound paradoxical as a result of orgasms look like they’d be inherently pleasurable. However, when it’s the main focus, dissociation from the physique can happen. Pleasure-oriented intercourse means specializing in pleasure in the course of the complete sexual expertise – not simply at one particular level. Also, if you happen to’re centered on pleasure, orgasms and/or ejaculations are easy byproducts of the play – they happen as a pure development.
How We Think About Sex Affects Our Experience of It
Our view of intercourse has loads to do with how we expertise it. Given all the things I’ve written above, you is likely to be asking, “How can I have better sex?” Discuss potential scenes, likes, dislikes, hopes, and needs. Let intercourse be play versus full of “musts” “have to haves” and different inflexible approaches. Pleasure and anxiousness can not coexist, so when you’re taking part in, if anxiousness arises, voice it to your companion(s) so you’ll be able to transfer via it. If voicing it doesn’t really feel secure, neither is taking part in with this particular person or folks. You can at all times shut down a scene anytime. Yes, even halfway!
And once more, incorporate aftercare. What we’d like on this world is extra consideration to one another’s inner landscapes so therapeutic via intercourse can happen. The approach we concentrate to one another’s inner landscapes can be by taking note of our personal. Notice what’s taking place in your physique. Pay consideration to what feels good, not good, secure, not secure. The extra you have got an understanding of your self, and are in a position to talk that to your companion(s), the higher your intercourse life might be.
If you’re concerned with studying extra about easy methods to have good intercourse, join my e-newsletter.
Therapists: Did you realize our members have publication alternatives on our weblog? Learn extra in your Member’s Area.
© Copyright 2021 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD in San Francisco, CA
The previous article was solely written by the writer named above. Any views and opinions expressed should not essentially shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or issues concerning the previous article will be directed to the writer or posted as a remark beneath.