Self-Defense 101: Keeping Your Cool While You Fight

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Self-Defense 101: Keeping Your Cool While You Fight


Navigating the U.S. well being care system can really feel like a “battle royale.” From difficult unfair medical payments to wrestling with insurance coverage corporations over pre-authorizations, sufferers should be prepared to stay up for themselves. 

So, how will you keep cool and assured in these fights? In this rebroadcast of “An Arm and a Leg” from 2020, host Dan Weissmann hits up self-defense coach Lauren Taylor about methods for standing up for your self and hears how she utilized her method in her personal battle for well being care protection.

Dan Weissmann


@danweissmann

Host and producer of “An Arm and a Leg.” Previously, Dan was a employees reporter for Marketplace and Chicago’s WBEZ. His work additionally seems on All Things Considered, Marketplace, the BBC, 99 Percent Invisible, and Reveal, from the Center for Investigative Reporting.

Credits

Emily Pisacreta
Producer

Adam Raymonda
Audio Wizard

Ellen Weiss
Editor

Marian Wang
Editor

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Transcript: Self-Defense 101: Keeping Your Cool While You Fight

Note: “An Arm and a Leg” makes use of speech-recognition software program to generate transcripts, which can comprise errors. Please use the transcript as a instrument however examine the corresponding audio earlier than quoting the podcast.

Dan: Hey there – Before we begin, I simply need to say THANK YOU for supporting our work right here. Thanks to you, we beat all of our objectives for the tip of 2023. 

That means we collected each greenback of matching funds that had been on supply — and since so many of us turned donors for the primary time, we earned a bonus from the Institute for Nonprofit News. 

So we’re beginning this yr in fine condition, which is nice, as a result of we’ve obtained some huge initiatives deliberate. 

Thank you a lot.

Now, in much less pleasant information, I’m preventing just a little bit with my insurance coverage firm proper now. Or … is it the hospital billing workplace I’m preventing with? Each one retains sending me again to the opposite. It’s … a great time.

There’s a First Aid Kit e-newsletter in all this, however for now I’m struggling to search out the hours for all of the cellphone calls, and to maintain my composure. 

On that final observe– retaining my composure —  this looks as if a great time to deliver again what would be the most helpful episode we’ve ever finished, from late 2020.

You prepared? Here we go.

I obtained a voicemail from a listener named Amanda Jaffe. She’s been listening to our episodes about of us who battle again towards insurance coverage corporations and outrageous payments. And she says she’s type of a bulldog herself on these things. BUT she says there’s a snag. Maybe you may relate — I undoubtedly can.

Amanda Jaffe: When I name the insurance coverage corporations, I begin to get offended to some extent the place perhaps it’s unproductive. So I want some steerage on how one can stay cool when calling insurance coverage corporations. Thanks. I’d actually need the assistance.

Dan: YES. I’ve been interested by this for months and months. We’ve been listening to from individuals who battle and battle, and generally win, and a few issues hold getting clearer:  

ONE: You’re most likely gonna spend a LOT of time on the cellphone, a number of it on maintain, and a number of it with individuals who, for one motive or one other, will not be gonna appear that useful. 

And TWO, I hold listening to time and again:  You’ve gotta hold your cool. OK, positive.

But I hold questioning time and again: OK, HOW?

And immediately, I believe I’ve obtained precisely the particular person I’ve been on the lookout for.

Lauren Taylor: My identify is Lauren Taylor. I run Defend Yourself in Washington, DC, and we train folks abilities for stopping harassment, abuse, and assault.

Dan: So for like a YEAR I’ve been describing this present as being targeted on self-defense towards the price of well being care. And Lauren is an precise self-defense trainer. Has been one for thirty-five years.

And it seems self-defense — the best way Lauren and her colleagues train it —  is NOT simply the hitting and the kicking. It’s defending your self towards all types of … encroachment. Street harassment. Creepy co-workers. Just standing up for your self. You would possibly’ve observed, Lauren mentioned her group teaches folks abilities for stopping harassment, abuse, and assault. 

And abuse …  I’m undecided that’s too sturdy a phrase for the way the health-care industrial complicated treats folks. 

So, Lauren herself is simply wrapping up an EPIC battle along with her medical health insurance.  And she has been utilizing self-defense abilities all alongside the best way. I’m not going into all the small print. 

Lauren Taylor: There’s been so many issues. I actually can’t keep in mind all of them. 

Dan: But we talked by means of them– as a result of she’s obtained ’em written down.

Lauren Taylor: This can be a self-defense factor, which is doc, proper?

Just such as you would with a stalker or a office harasser or, uh, even uh, An abusive companion, is doc every little thing as a result of, you would possibly want it 

Dan: You train this within the class.

Lauren Taylor: Oh yeah.

Dan: I stroll in, assume I’m gonna learn to want anyone within the nuts. And you’re like, “get a notebook.” I’m like, wow.

Lauren Taylor: People, folks do stroll in considering they’re going to learn to, , knee somebody within the groin, and we do train that. however I can’t let you know how typically in evaluations folks  inform us that they had been utterly blown away by all the opposite stuff that they study, which is de facto about empowerment.

Dan: Yes. Yes, please. Let’s have a few of that. 

This is An Arm and a Leg — a present about the price of well being care. I’m Dan Weissmann. I’m a reporter, and I like a problem. So my job right here is to take probably the most enraging, terrifying, miserable points in American life– and YES, there’s a bunch of these, however I’m sticking with this one– and produce a present that’s entertaining, empowering, and helpful.

And right here we’re.    

Here’s Lauren’s deal: It begins the early Eighties, 

Lauren Taylor: I had saved up cash and I used to be gonna take a while and journey on my own. And a good friend of mine informed me a few self-defense class that she had taken. And I assumed, “Oh, that’s a really good idea. I should probably do that if I’m going to travel by myself.”   

Dan: She says it modified her life. Like, as an adolescent, she’d handled a LOT of avenue harassment. She figured, man, that’s simply the way it goes.

Lauren Taylor: And I had at all times thought that if anyone tried to rape me, there could be nothing I may do as a result of by definition they’d be larger and stronger than me. 

And the actual life-changing piece of the self-defense class was realizing that that was fallacious. It was realizing that I had energy and that I may harm anyone who was attempting to harm me. 

Dan: How did that really feel?   

Lauren Taylor: It’s, it’s completely life altering. I imply, even now,  like, simply inform it to you. I nonetheless really feel like a rush of power by means of my physique saying it.

Dan: It’s thrilling. It’s like, holy shit! I’m not helpless

Lauren Taylor: Yeah. I can defend myself. Yeah. And I’ve energy and, and . An enormous piece of it is also I’ve permission to do that and I should be protected.I deserve to have the ability to defend myself. 

And all of these will not be messages that, you realize, most of us get rising up nonetheless. And actually not after I was rising up. So, it’s type of like, caught the fever after which needed to unfold the gospel of self-defense. 

Dan: So, she’s been instructing self-defense since 1985.

I requested her: So, how did it change your life– past the truth that you began instructing it? Like, what did you do in a different way?

She says for starters, she did take that journey, and there was an evening or two that didn’t go based on plan: Her place to crash fell by means of, she was out late, misplaced, just a little scared. And she took out a pen, so in case she wanted to harm anyone, she’d have a pen to harm them with. She did NOT have to make use of it, however having a plan helped her hold cool.

But that wasn’t the large stuff. The huge stuff was standing up for herself in different methods. Like when her boss in a full-time volunteer gig began sexually harassing her.  

Lauren Taylor: Whereas earlier than I might have appreciated, you realize, suffered and wrung my arms and journaled about it and referred to as 12 mates and, thought perhaps there was one thing fallacious with me  and you realize, all of these issues I didn’t do, I used to be identical to, Really no, don’t do that.

Dan: And then what occurred?

Lauren Taylor: Ge just about lower it out. 

Dan: YEAH. And then there was her mother. Who did NOT deal effectively with Lauren being homosexual. It was painful. And then there was the ultimate straw:  

Lauren Taylor: We had a big household reunion and She didn’t invite my companion and he or she invited my siblings companions.

Jesus, ouch. They’d had a number of conversations. Now Lauren set a tough boundary. She put it in writing to her mother: 

Lauren Taylor: There are some staple items I want from you, or I’m not going to have the ability to keep in touch with you. Right. So, if there’s a household occasion, My companion will get invited , that’s self-defense 

Dan: That first self-defense class Lauren took had not coated Dealing With Difficult Family Members, however Lauren says she’d gotten the message:

Lauren Taylor: It was okay. to require sure sorts of respect from folks.  it was okay to be who I used to be, that wasn’t my fault that folks handled me as lower than all of that type of stuff.

Dan: And by the best way, Lauren says the lessons she leads now,  they DO cowl all that type of stuff.

In different phrases, self-defense covers a LOT of territory. The huge thought: If you’re in a tricky spot, you need some choices. 

Lauren says she provides college students a five-part framework– 5 sorts of choices. 

They are:  Run, yell, hit, inform, and go alongside. 

And they’re not all literal. Like, RUN is …

Lauren Taylor: Leave stroll away. Don’t present up for the appointment, break up with the particular person, something that makes you not there. 

Dan: And she says by YELL, she means: Use your voice.

Lauren Taylor: Assertiveness or deescalation or negotiation, or, you realize, that’s not okay with me or don’t come any nearer or, you realize, I gained’t come to household occasions for those who don’t invite my companion. Right.

Dan: “Yell” covers a number of territory there.

Lauren Taylor: Everything along with your phrases just about. 

Dan: Everything with phrases you employ with the opposite particular person. Because there’s additionally TELL. Which she says imply — additionally actually broadly — get assist.

Lauren Taylor: It could be getting assist in the second. uh, this particular person is bothering me. Can I stand with you? And then there’s, longer-term getting assist going to HR, going to a hotline, , speaking to a lawyer, 

Dan: Posting to social media.

Lauren Taylor: Posting it. Right. precisely. 

Dan: Hit is — effectively, it’s truly hitting. They observe that too.

And then there’s the final one: Go alongside. 

Lauren Taylor: We need folks to know that that’s an possibility, proper? We’re not saying. Always resist. We’re saying resistance is profitable far more than you’ve been informed and far more than you consider. 

But there are occasions when, going alongside, is the neatest and most secure factor so that you can do. And for instance, if somebody’s attempting to take your property, proper, if it’s a mugging, And you need to get out of there, unhurt, the neatest and most secure factor to do is to present them your property. 

Dan: Yeah. I believe you may most likely see the broad outlines of how this might apply to wrangling along with your insurance coverage firm or preventing unfair medical payments. I imply, speak about a mugging.  

It undoubtedly jogs my memory of one thing I mentioned once we began this self-defense collection:  We’re not gonna win ’em all. We simply don’t should lose all of them both. 

So, that’s Lauren’s framework.

Next: Let’s study some SPECIFIC methods and the way we are able to begin making use of them. That’s proper after this.

This episode of An Arm and a Leg is produced in partnership with KFF Health News. That’s a non-profit newsroom protecting well being care in America. Their work is terrific, wins all types of awards yearly. I’m so proud to work with them.

OK. How to truly USE self-defense methods with medical payments and insurance coverage BS.

We’ll begin with an instance from Lauren’s epic health-insurance battle this yr. We’re not gonna get into the story– it’s too lengthy, too bizarre, and it’s not even actually over. BUT we are going to zoom in on a second when Lauren’s on the cellphone and the opposite particular person opens by throwing up a roadblock, saying, YOU most likely did one thing fallacious.   

I’m like, Argh, I’m already offended. What do you do now? And Lauren’s like, “I stayed on my agenda.” 

STAYING ON YOUR AGENDA. This is an entire self-defense factor. Lauren walks me by means of it: 

Lauren Taylor: Here’s the method. Okay. Something’s occurring. You know, like anyone is harassing you on the road or no matter …

Dan: Or you’re calling your insurance coverage, and the opposite particular person is being REALLY unhelpful.

She says you ask your self three questions, on this order: First, how am I feeling? It’s most likely not nice. 

Lauren Taylor: I’m terrified. I’m offended, I’m upset. I need to cry. I really feel humiliated. 

Dan: Good occasions. That’s the primary query: How am I feeling?   

Second: What do I want? Which is extra big-picture: Need to get a secure distance, want respect.  

Third, what do I WANT? This is extra particular– what would you like from the opposite particular person:  

Lauren Taylor: I would like you to take your arms off me. I would like you to take three steps again. I would like you to knock earlier than you are available in my workplace. I would like you to cease making racist jokes. no matter it’s, you flip it into what I would like you to condemn, and that’s your agenda. What you need to occur is your agenda.

So. Then after they do no matter people who find themselves misusing energy do, which is commonly. Guilt journey you or attempting to control you or blame you want, effectively, why   had been you there? Why had been you sporting that? Why did you get drunk? Um, it’s only a joke. Um, why wouldn’t have mentioned it, for those who hadn’t blah, blah, blah, or why you being such a bitch?

Um, you realize, all of these issues are to get you into their net of dialog and off of your agenda and also you keep in your agenda. So if I say to you,  don’t ask me about my private life whereas we’re at work. And you’re like, Oh Lauren, you’re so delicate. 

Dan: Yeah, I’m altering the topic. Suddenly, we’re not speaking about what you need. We’re speaking about my notion of you. And you could have a fairly sturdy impulse to deal with that– Like, “Oh, geez, am I?” Or, “I AM NOT”  

Lauren Taylor: But as an alternative I’m simply going to say once more, “Listen, Dan, I asked you. I only want to talk about work at work. And I really don’t like answering personal questions at work. So please stop asking me.” That’s staying in your agenda.

Dan: And so how did that occur in these cellphone calls?

Lauren Taylor: I simply saved saying what I wanted or. I might hold saying  so what’s the subsequent step? What can we do from right here? 

So as an illustration, Lauren performed out a protracted, lengthy set of calls along with her medical health insurance firm AND the state workplace that administers the Obamacare trade in Maryland, the place she lives. 

Whenever they hit an deadlock, she requested, “What is the next step?” Eventually, the subsequent step was: file an   enchantment by means of the state lawyer normal’s workplace. Lauren referred to as, and the primary particular person to select up the cellphone didn’t have a super-encouraging opening line. 

Lauren Taylor: She was like, effectively, I’m positive you missed a deadline. And, um, as an alternative of claiming, I didn’t miss any deadlines as a result of then we’re into her dialog.

I mentioned, so please inform me extra about how one can enchantment. Right? Because  you realize, she most likely talks to 100 folks a day and, you realize, folks make all types of errors and you realize, it’s an enormous headache to her, I’m positive. 

Dan: So Lauren didn’t take the bait. She stayed on her agenda… AND AFTER A WHILE, ONCE THE APPEAL WAS REALLY IN MOTION, Lauren observed the identical girl– who was now calling LAUREN with updates, generally greater than as soon as a day–  was singing a unique tune. Well, undoubtedly some new phrases.

Lauren Taylor: She was utilizing we language.

Dan: That’s what we like. Yeah, 

Lauren Taylor: proper.  So I used to be like, Oh, that is going very effectively. she was like, “we just need to figure this thing out and then we’ll let them know.”

“WE” language. 

OK, that is nice. 

AND it’s like:  Wait, how do I truly do that?  Like, within the second?  Like, right here’s Amanda’s query once more:

Amanda Jaffe:  I begin to get offended to some extent the place perhaps it’s unproductive. So I want some steerage how one can stay cool when calling insurance coverage corporations. 

Dan: YEAH. Me too! Me too. 

And Lauren reframed it. She was like: OK, getting offended, that’s not an issue, not a mistake. It’s a sense that you simply’re having. And it’s a very affordable feeling to have.

And she says Amanda’s nailing it in saying:  these emotions most likely aren’t gonna be super-helpful IN this dialog. 

So, you need a technique. An agenda. A plan. 

Lauren Taylor: If you may floor your self in the truth that you’re technique is to stay calm and assured whereas nonetheless being very assertive and chronic.  that may be a technique, it doesn’t imply that you need to really feel nice about what’s occurring. or that you simply aren’t upset the best way that persons are treating you.  it simply signifies that as a method, you might be selecting to make use of this persona, this frequent, assured, assertive, persistent persona to attempt to get what you want.

Dan: So, yeah: You’re gonna be mad. That’s gonna occur. You simply don’t wanna act out these emotions within the dialog. So right here’s the precise ADVICE half: You take these emotions and… 

Lauren Taylor: Do them someplace else. You, you realize, go for a stroll and pound the pavement. You vent to a good friend. Um, if in case you have a automobile, you roll up the home windows and drive on a freeway and scream. Um, you discover, you realize, you discover a place that’s most likely not alcohol or ice cream too.

Um, To course of these emotions since you don’t need them simply hanging out in you both. That’s not good for you both. 

Dan: Which is to say: It could also be good to have a plan GOING INTO the dialog about the way you’re cope with these emotions afterwards. Maybe even make a plan with anyone else.  You know… 

Lauren Taylor: Call a good friend or a member of the family who’s in your home and say, I’m going to get on the cellphone with the medical health insurance firm, and we’re going to name you afterwards and vent. Right. And then, you realize, I’ve a spot for these emotions. It’s not that I’m squashing

Dan: Right.

Lauren Taylor: There’s a time for that  too. 

Dan: I like that.  But in the meantime, right here I’m IN the dialog, and issues are getting bushy, and I’m HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. 

Not so calm, not so assured, NOT SO CALM. 

Lauren’s like: Right. Got you coated. You need to discover a method that helps you shortly get calm and grounded within the second. She says taking note of her respiratory is her go-to, however 

Lauren Taylor: My approach of doing it could not be just right for you or her or anyone else. People have to search out what works for them to remain calm and grounded. So just some concepts. It could be, um, respiratory. It could be feeling your toes on the ground. Those are my prime two, but it surely additionally could be, you realize, some folks saying a fast prayer helps them.

Dan: She’s obtained extra: 

Lauren Taylor: It could be, orienting your self to the room. Like, what are 5 issues I can see or can I discover three blue issues? And then what’s one factor I can hear. What’s the one factor I can really feel, these orienting issues that hold you very a lot within the current second and in addition let you realize, like, this can be extremely upsetting, however proper now I’m truly okay. Right now on this second, I’m truly okay. You know, I’m perhaps scared about shedding my medical health insurance. I could also be scared about the place the cash’s going to come back from.  But for those who can say to your self, like, Oh proper now, I’m sitting in a room in my condo and, um, you realize, My family members are round me or my pets are round me, or I’ve a plan for dinner or I’m going to name a good friend proper now I’m okay. So there’s a lot of methods to get current. and I believe that getting current is what might help this girl and everyone else.

Dan: What I hear you speaking about … Like while you say: “get into the present,” it’s like, I’m transferring my consideration. I’m transferring my consideration from this sense that I’m having that desires to take up my complete area of consideration. And I’m type of like reminding myself that there are different issues to present my consideration to. And now that I do know that I may give my consideration to my technique

I believe one factor that basically strikes me about what you’re saying  is … it’s type of reframing   the query. I begin to get offended to some extent the place perhaps it’s unproductive and I believe the best way that’s framed, is how do I not have the sensation? That’s how I’m studying the questions. The downside is I get offended. And what I’m listening to you say is like, not an issue.

Lauren Taylor: Not an issue

Dan: You’re getting offended.

Lauren Taylor: There are actually good causes to be offended

Dan: YES! For positive. So what you need isn’t to keep away from getting offended– it’s simply to keep away from getting uncontrolled. You most likely ARE going to get mad. So you need to plan for it.

And to evaluate, Lauren’s prime two ideas are:

One: Have a plan for what you’re gonna do with that anger AFTER the decision. How are you going to cope with it? 

And two: Have a few favourite hacks for shortly re-focusing your consideration. To your breath, another sensation, no matter clicks for you.  

You’re most likely gonna need to WRITE down these methods, observe them, earlier than you get on the cellphone. 

I actually love this. And speaking to Lauren, I noticed:  Being on the cellphone with the insurance coverage firm– or the medical-billing workplace or whoever else within the medical-industrial complicated you’re speaking with– we’ve obtained benefits we don’t have in another self-defense conditions:  

One: You’re not in the identical bodily house with that different particular person. They can’t see you scrunch up your face, or gently rub your coronary heart, or pet the cat, or silently depend to 10 whereas they’re speaking.  

Which is completely different from being face-to-face with anyone who may harm you– bodily or emotionally.

And two: You don’t have an ongoing relationship with this specific particular person. It’s not like telling your mother that you simply want her to ask your companion to household gatherings. Or telling your colleague to cease making racist jokes. Those are relationships which might be going to maintain affecting you. And most likely hold affecting different relationships. 

Here, you’re like, WHATEVER, nameless insurance-company particular person. Which doesn’t imply you may act like a jerk to them– that’s not going that will help you. But you do have an escape hatch. If you actually can’t take it any extra with out shedding your cool… you may cling up and name again later, while you’re prepared, and inform the subsequent particular person, GEE, I obtained disconnected earlier than. 

I inform Lauren this, and he or she’s like

Lauren Taylor: Yeah, I used to be undoubtedly considering, you realize, you may, if in case you have, for those who’re too crammed up with feeling to be doing one thing that feels helpful, you may completely say, you realize, I can speak about this anymore. I’ll name, name again one other time.

Dan: Oh yeah. Right. You don’t have to love pretend, dropping the decision. You can simply say like, wow. I believe I must, I want a while to digest this. , I’d wish to name

Lauren Taylor: I’ll name again later.

Dan: YES. I’ll name again later. That’s the place we left issues with Lauren Taylor within the fall of 2020, and it’s all nonetheless super-relevant — as I can attest proper now, with my back-and-forth calls to the hospital and the insurance coverage firm.

One replace: Since we talked, Lauren Taylor has printed a e-book! 

Get Empowered: A Practical Guide to Thrive, Heal, and Embrace Your Confidence in a Sexist World was printed in October 2023, and — though the title means that the e-book targets of us with one X chromosome greater than I occur to have — I’m wanting ahead to studying it.  

We condensed a few of Lauren’s recommendation right into a First Aid Kit e-newsletter final yr — together with associated ideas from different superstars.  We’ll put a hyperlink within the present notes — it’s best to have the ability to discover it wherever you’re listening, and you’ll join any of our newsletters at arm and a leg present dot com, slash, e-newsletter.

We shall be again in three weeks.  

Till then, deal with your self.

This episode of An Arm and a Leg was produced by me, Dan Weissmann, edited in 2020 by Marian Wang, and for this re-release by Ellen Weiss. 

Emily Pisacreta is our senior producer. Adam Raymonda is our audio wizard.

Gabrielle Healy is our managing editor for viewers — she edits the First Aid Kit e-newsletter.

Sarah Ballema is our operations supervisor. Bea Bosco is our consulting director of operations.

An Arm and a Leg is produced in partnership with KFF Health News. 

That’s a nationwide newsroom producing in-depth journalism about well being care in America, and a core program at KFF — an unbiased supply of well being coverage analysis, polling, and journalism. 

You can study extra about KFF Health News at arm and a leg present dot com, slash KFF. 

Zach Dyer is senior audio producer at KFF Health News. He is editorial liaison to this present. 

Thanks to the INSTITUTE FOR NONPROFIT NEWS for serving as our fiscal sponsor, permitting us to simply accept tax-exempt donations. You can study extra about INN at I-N-N dot org. 

And because of everyone who helps this present financially.  I’m about to shout out FIFTY individuals who donated within the final dozen days of 2023. You prepared?

Thanks this time to… [names redacted].

Thank you a lot!

“An Arm and a Leg” is a co-production of KFF Health News and Public Road Productions.

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